


I Will Sit With You In The Dark

by dreamyemptysouls



Series: HSWC 2014 [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Ableism, Cuddles, Gen, Hugging, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, PTSD discussion, Sleepy Cuddles, but i swear it ends happy, suicide ideation, trigger discussion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-05
Updated: 2014-06-05
Packaged: 2018-02-03 11:28:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1743089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamyemptysouls/pseuds/dreamyemptysouls
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><b>Davesprite♦John</b><br/>Remember when Davesprite tried to hide that he was suffering from PTSD?</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Will Sit With You In The Dark

**Author's Note:**

> Written for a [HSWC 2014 Bonus Round 1 prompt](http://hs-worldcup.dreamwidth.org/18819.html?thread=4008067#cmt4008067)!

dear dave,  


i guess it must be kinda weird, getting something so official from me, huh? it's not even your birthday, haha.

but to be honest, the end of a journey like ours has got me thinking, and remembering stuff way into the past, and it's even weirder to look back at where we used to be and see how far we've come.

it would be probably be better to tell you all this face to face, like you deserve hearing after all you've been through. but i feel like i would do something dumb and mess it all up (typical, huh?) and at least this way i can remember everything i want to tell you. i hope you don't mind.

so, huh... where to start?

i guess i should apologize for every time i was too much of a baby to see beyond my own nose. on my last birthday, i was so angry at you, for breaking up with jade, for not showing up to the movie, for holing yourself up. i was so convinced that you HAD to act exactly like i /thought/ the dave i knew would, the best friend i had wanted to meet for so long, that i didn't realize what you were going through yourself... i was so keen on  believing that you were doing all that out of selfishness, or just to spite us, i refused to believe you were hurting.

i'm so sorry. i realize now, how bad of a friend i was to you. there was no excuse for the way i behaved. i hope i am better now.  


jade was the first person to open my eyes, so to speak. she made me angry too, at the time. after all, she was the victim! how could she just stand there and defend someone who was hurting her?? i didn't get it, until she got angry at me back.  


"this isn't about you OR me!!!" she said. "have you thought about the possibility that he's been in a bad place ever since he came here? he just wants to protect us."  


i ignored her, until i noticed she was ignoring me too. it was only then, when i was by myself, that i started considering the chance that i was the wrong one after all.  


the first time i went to talk to you about this, it took me so long to find you. you were hiding so well! i don't even know why you let me see you, but i guess i must have made a super pathetic display of myself.  


talking to you was frustrating, to say the least. i was still angry, but i knew i had to swallow my own dumbness and learn to listen if i wanted to go anywhere with us. you were sitting there, all still and impassive, pulling the strider façade way more than you had to, and i had to constantly remind myself, that this wasn't an act.  


this was the real you, realer to me than other dave has ever been, a person of your own.  


and if i wanted to be your friend, i had to listen to you for who you were.  


looking back now, i want to thank you, for giving me the chance to do better. it couldn't have been easy for you, to make yourself as vulnerable as you did, talking about the problems that were hurting you - that still do.  


i had done nothing but hurt and disappoint you till then, but you saw something in me, some potential to change, and i am so happy that i used it, that i didn't mess up and, most important of all, that you came out feeling better.  


you sat there and you spoke out, explaining how you had been feeling till then. i didn't understand you at some points, and made you rephrase parts, strain yourself, and i am sorry for that too.  


i am also thankful that you were so patient, that you put such an effort to let me learn.  


and learn i did.  


about how he died. about how jade never made it. about how rose became a tiny, sadder, copy of her mom.

about how you were the first one to see me, after my denizen was done with me.

about the sleepless nights - and the flashbacks that came in the rare occasions of sleep.

about your brain, and how it made you look at everything and made you turn it into a constant reminder, of the bad stuff gone past.

about how stuck you were in this personal nightmare of yours, and so it was for the best, to keep away, not only to spare yourself, but not to be a "burden" to us.  


you said you didn't want to stain "Real Dave's" image any further. you said we didn't deserve to be stuck with you, not when the real, whole thing was out there. you said you had learned of how meaningless you were the first moments you came to our timeline.  


i almost got angry again, hearing you say those things, but i reminded myself that this wasn't an act, this wasn't pity looking for compliments.

and the sooner i got it through my head, the sooner we could help you.

we found the right term for what you going through soon enough, in one of rose's books.  


post-traumatic stress disorder.  


i remember how the name made your scoff. it was an old guy's disease, for war veterans and broken people, that would never be anything else in life. you said it was fitting for you.  


i think i was right to be angry that one time. i mean, i had no idea of knowing exactly how awful it was, going through that, but you're not broken.

you're not meaningless, or unworthy. it was unfair and mean, to imply that people who had ptsd were anything remotely like that! people who hurt like that, who have been through wars and assaults, who have watched their loved ones die, deserve better than a lousy "broken" label.

and i am now totally aware that you won't be healed, but at the time, that didn't stop me from wanting to be better friends with you either, or to make your life easier. you didn't have to fit to my standard, to the world's standard, to be included, to be loved. i had no right to want to tweak you, to make you be more like dave, not when there was nothing wrong with you.  


maybe it was time that i made an effort to include you, to make it safe for you, to help you out.  


that's what decent people do. that's what good friends do. and that's what i want to be, for you.  


and you are so worth it.  


so i learned more.  


i never read so much in my life, but between rose's books, jade's opinion, your guidance and old mental illness forum archives, it was enough to understand the basics of how it all worked, and how easy it was for me to make the space around you so much safer.  


it's just sad, that it took me that long to realize it...  


and again i want to thank you for being so patient. we went round adjusting the ship so it would finally feel like a home to you, and i'm sorry for the mess-ups, for the times i slipped and you suffered from it, and i am so thankful that you didn't give up on me.  


i hope that now that it's done, the good will overcome the bad. i hope you'll be happier, that you'll be able to live your days better, with less time inside the nightmare.  


i hope you know that you're not alone, not anymore! i am here for you, for all that it's worth. i want to make you happy, more than anything. i've been feeling like this for a while now.  


you are a better friend than i ever deserved. you are the reason i am alive now, and it hits me now, just how much you mean to me. you deserve a so much better me than i am right now, and i hope you get that soon, i really really do.  


today, i want to give you this place too, for all the times you want to stay away and rest, but still want to be safe and know we will be close by. i sure hope i didn't mess it up, but we can fix it right away if anything's wrong...  


i'll be inside!  


thank you so much for everything, dave.  


i'll talk to you soon!

~ john

Oh he was right, alright, it sure was a surprise, to have Jade tell you to come all the way to this part of the ship, and then find this letter taped to the door.

But, for the nth you can remember in this short amount of time, this was a good kind of surprise coming from him.

It was still so unreal, to have this part of him, all honesty and raw good-heartedness, aimed at you, but you are starting to believe him that this is what you truly deserve.

Eagerly, you reach out for the doorknob and twist it. Inside, the most wonderful room in the world is waiting for you.

You hover inside and close the door behind you, as if allowing the air outside to touch it would somehow spoil it. And then you take everything in.

The entire room is covered in cushions, pillows and mattresses: the walls and the floor, and even the ceiling. Their colors, in blues and pinks and greens, don't hurt your eyes, they rather sooth them. There's a tiny fridge in a corner, along with a small stereo. All of the fluffy things in here are moveable, and you hold one of the pillows to squeeze it, and it's just the right amount of fullness that it's a relief to do so.

There's no swords in here, or green lights, or alcohol, or ticking clocks, or the smell of smoke.

There's no nightmares or a haunting past or despair.

Instead there's a shimmering future, of hope, of love.

There's only silence (the good kind of it), and safety, and a huge dork buried in the middle of a pile of cushions.  
You make your way to him, and his face is earnest. You give him a smile, small and tired but genuine, and he beams in return, all full Egbert wattage.

He knows he has done the right thing. And now you know that you've been no other than yourself, no more no less, in his eyes. There's liberation in owning your own identity rather than living in the shadow of someone else's.

You own your weaknesses and your strengths, and now you know you have a friend. A friend that you can trust, who will never leave you alone.

Not anymore.

Slowly, you bury yourself in the same pile as him, and before you know it, your arms wind around his shoulders. He tenses in surprise, for just a second, before he realizes he's allowed to hug you back, his grip warm and safe and soothing around your waist. You cling to him more, with your tail tangling with his legs, and this feels too good to be true when everything was so hopeless just some time ago. But he is a promise in human form, solid and real in your embrace, and as he buries his grinning face in the feather ruff around your neck, making the both of you ticklish, you know that things have changed for good.

Not completely: you know that you'll always be the doomed Dave, the one who saw everyone die, the one ever stuck in the nightmare, and even if he has proven that you can make all of this easier, this will never go away.

But now you know you have a future, with him, with Jade. Now you get to see them live, and be a part of their lives too. Now you know how to wake up when the nightmare gets too bad, and there'll always be a fluffy room and a warm, trusting embrace to keep you safe.

He cranes his neck up to press a kiss to your forehead, and you know he loves you.

You close your wings around him and you love him too, so so much.


End file.
